my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
