He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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