I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
