I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
