I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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