Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
