hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
