we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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