I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
