i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Damn victory sex feels great
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
