Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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