I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
