3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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