Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
