I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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