I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
