if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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