wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
what day is it and did you see me today?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
