she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
