Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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