Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
