I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
