i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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