I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
