Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
