She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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