every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
