i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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