Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
you will always have a special place in my vag
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
