3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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