while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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