Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
