she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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