Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
