just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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