all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
