I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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