I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
