im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
