the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
