You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
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