ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
