We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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