Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
