if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
