u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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