there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
COCAINE IS GR8
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
