Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
