I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
