Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
