was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
